“One of the worst ideas ever is to connect people to talk about each other, publicly yet anonymously. It’s sad and predictable that this kind of social media brings chaos and shame to communities of adolescents.”
— Jonathan Haidt

The Surgeon General recommends delaying Social Media use until a child has at least finished middle school - he says age 13 is too young for social media. Social Psyhcologit Jonathan Haidt in his book The Anxious Generation says delay access until age 16. Common Sense Media says TikTok and Instagram are not age-appropriate until age 15, and Snapchat until age 16. The APA - who did a big report on social media - is actually unwilling to take a stance because they are not even sure if there is an age after which kids can use social media safely.  So, no one seems to totally agree on what is the right age to allow social media.  BUT there is a growing consensus about when to NOT ALLOW IT.

We, at ScreenSense, agree that social media is not developmentally appropriate for middle schoolers. We recommend parents hold off until high school as a harm reduction strategy.


TEXT

When you do decide to allow access, you want to let the line out really s-l-o-w-l-y. The goal is to provide a long on-ramp where you’re coaching your child to develop a healthy, balanced, and intentional relationship with social media so that at one point they can manage it on their own. They have a lifetime to consume social media content so we want you to spend a lot of time introducing social media - talk about tech use, implement our suggested “seat-belts” or try out your own, regularly check in on how they’re using the app, and make course-corrections as needed.  It’s messy ongoing work, but you’re the most qualified person to do this.

A really good way to build the needed pauses into the process of allowing social medai access and to slow things down is to only introduce ONE social media app at a time. If teen wants several of these apps, have them pick one to start with and consider starting with a trial period where you give them access for a week and see how it goes. Implementing trial periods for any kind of tech device or software is one of our go-to suggestions for parents. If your teen is already using multiple social media apps and you want to reel it in for whatever reason, have them pick 1-2 to keep and consider taking a break from the others.

Introducing one app at a time is one of the fundamental “seat belts” (safeguards) that we recommend at ScreenSense all the time. If you can, explain to your teen that you need to work together to keep them safe and healthy online and then invite them into the process with you, you may find them to be more amenable to your rules and requirements. You can use any of these safeguards to contain or reel in social media if your teen is already engaged in using social media apps. 

  1. Introduce one app at a time.

  2. Create a unique handle w/o your child’s real name

  3. Set your child’s account to private so information is only visible to trusted known people

  4. No more than 100 followers or friends (less is even better). 

  5. Set ScreenTime limits per app/url: We suggest starting with 20 min max per day

 Use Apple Screen Time to help with this. We’ll add a link for help with Apple Screen Time Settings.

  1. Adjust notifications to minimize disruption

  2. Remove devices from bedrooms overnight to protect sleep and reduce harm - implementing a tech curfew is “seat belt” for any kind of tech use! Good for parents too! 

We’ve created a handout that summarizes the 4 most widely used social media apps by youth (Insta, TikTok, Snapchat and Discord). It includes the safeguards we just walked you through and also gives you a bit more background information about each of these 4 social media apps.  You can download it here! 

ONGOING CONVERSATIONS

These seatbelts will help you get started with some basic ground rules, and then from there, parenting a teen who’s on social media is a very iterative process with lots of check-ins, regular conversations, and adjustments.  They’ll ask for more, you’ll make compromises, they’ll slip up, you’ll adjust their limits, and your child will test the boundaries.  If it feels like messy ongoing work, then you’re doing your job. The seatbelts aren’t foolproof so your best tool is open and honest conversations and creating an enviroment where your teen knows that they can come and talk to you about anything - without fearing judgement, ridicule, shaming or punishment. 

Inevitably, tricky stuff is going to come up. A stranger is very likely to contact them online at some point. Make sure they know you’re there for them.  You can say, “If something goes wrong, I want to know that you are going to come to me.”  You can say, “I trust you, but I don’t trust the internet.”  Make sure they know that you won’t freak out and reactively shut down all tech if something goes wrong - that’s a top reason why middle schoolers don’t tell their parents when things go wrong.

As you find your way on this bumpy journey, trust your parenting instincts - if you’re worried about something, you probably have a good reason.  It may indicate it’s time to check in or revisit how tech use is going.  You can always have your child take a break - maybe remove social media from their device for a week and review how everyone feels, what changes as a result, rethink how to bring it back better. You’re never going to land on perfection - there’s no such thing - this is the wild west, and you’re doing the best you can.

Our two main concerns in the digital age are that our kids use their time well and that they stay safe.  Think of these as your two swimlanes while parenting your kids’ use of technology. You want to help them discover what fills up their bucket and make sure tech doesn’t get in the way of their goals and values - this takes a lot of nudges and course-correction because tech is so sticky and relentless.  You also want them to use tech well - so be curious about what they’re doing online and help redirect them when needed.  

When you open the door to social media, it’s really important to be open and honest with your child about what you view as the upsides and downsides, what your concerns are, and how you’d like to work together to keep them safe.  Also, at the point when you are providing access, this is when their ears will be widest open to your limits and rules - so take your time and set the boundaries while you have their focused attention. A really helpful tool to guide this process is a conversation guide by Wait Until 8th - we have found that if you print it out and read through it with your child, it makes these conversations easier because it’s not just coming from you. We’ll add the LINK to the chat.  Even if your child already has social media, print out this guide and talk it through with them.

When we add access to more tech like social media, it requires MORE parenting. Not less. With middle schoolers, YOU, the parent, should be choosing what your kids are allowed to do on their phones or devices. For high schoolers…FINISH THIS SENTENCE,

DOCS TO ADD TO THIS PAGE

  • Social Media Matrix (Update)

  • Link to 1 pgr How to allow Social Media (also for Ages & Stages and MCOE)

  • Image Seatbelts for social media use (from ⅞ presentation MCOE)

LINKS TO ADD ON THIS PAGE

EXTRA CONTENT

If delaying access to social media becomes too challenging and your child feels socially left out, you can find small ways to give your middle schooler a taste of social media content without it being a full-fledged account with unfettered access.  You can explore TikTok together or let them play with Snapchat filters on your phone. This will give them enough knowledge so they don’t feel completely clueless with peers and it buys you some time.

But what if - as a parent - you are someone who doesn’t use social media, AND you’ve reached the point where you’d like to let your child have access to it?  You will need to roll up your sleeves and do some prep work to learn about the app(s) your child is asking for. Pick one app and try it out yourself. Maybe invite your child to join you while you play around with learning about it  - they’ll be delighted and will feel validated! They may even teach you something! This is a great way to talk about some of the content you’re seeing together and provide some context or values around it. Keep in mind that your feed (content) as an adult won’t be the same as what your middle schooler might see. But this process will give you a good sense of how the app/platform works so you can make an informed decision about if and when to allow it.