Modeling Good Habits
“What you do speaks so loud that I can’t hear what you say.”
Let’s face it - actions speak louder than words! Our children learn so much from observing our actions and habits. As parents, we should model healthy tech use for our children.
Top Three Tips
Read the Atlantic article on distracted parenting to learn how parents’ screen use is affecting children’s development.
Take control of your tech by turning off notifications on your phone (from non-humans) to reclaim your time and attention.
Narrate your own tech use so your children understand how you’re using it.
On your own, with friends, with your partner or co-parent.
Step 1: Reflect
a. CONSIDER HOW WE USE MEDIA
Do we use screen media more frequently as a way station or a destination?
Using screen media as a way station includes:
- texting friends or using social media to coordinate a get-together (e.g., to meet up at a park to play pick-up soccer);
- spreading word about an event or issue;
- communicating logistics with many people quickly (e.g., coordinating a carpool).
Using screen media as a destination may look like: spending your evening on social media - scrolling, posting and commenting; spending your night watching YouTube or streaming videos; spending hours alone playing video games.
We want our kids to yearn for the richness of life outside of a screen, for human connection and in real life experiences. We want them to understand that our devices are merely tools to help us along this journey—they are NOT the destination. Let’s face it- WE yearn for authentic connections and meaningful experiences; is our own tech use supporting or sabotaging this goal?
For more on this topic, read Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport.
b. REFLECT ON OUR VULNERABILITIES
Over the next day, each time you pick up your phone, ask yourself:
Why am I turning to my device right now?
If it’s not something urgent or time-sensitive, am I bored? Lonely? Seeking stimulation? Trying to get through a long day?
How else can I help myself meet those valid needs?
What are my priorities right now since time is a finite resource? Presence and connection with my child or accomplishing something on my device? Before picking up my device, can I ask myself, “is now a good time for this?”
c. SHIFT OUR PERSPECTIVE
We should consider our family as a team that needs to help each other stay healthy and human against a mega industry using persuasive design to constantly demand our attention.
You -the adult- are an important member of the family team. We are all vulnerable to persuasive design. Be kind to yourself. Have empathy towards yourself. Work towards your own healthy tech use.
By working on improving our own tech habits, our kids will benefit by feeling more connected to us and by picking up on our improved habits.
d. TUNE IN AND CONNECT
Your presence, time and full attention are some of the best gifts you can give your child.
As parents, we may suffer from “continuous partial attention,” a term coined by tech expert Linda Stone. Our kids notice and feel when we’re chronically distracted. We are modeling the habits, norms and expectations for social interaction during our children’s formative years. Now, more than ever, we need to ensure we are teaching our kids how to connect, bond and be fully present.
What messages are we sending to our children when we interrupt our time together to look at our devices? That it’s acceptable behavior to turn our attention away from someone we are with? That we may tune out at any unpredictable moment? Let us take ownership to be more present and intentional in our tech use when we are with our children.
Read more in the Atlantic article on distracted parenting from July/August 2018.
Want low-tech ideas?
Erin Loechner, author/mom/former-social-media-influencer, shares practical tips, actionable steps, and valuable resources designed to liberate our families from technology. Grab your copy of The Opt-Out Family: How to Give Your Kids What Technology Can’t—available anywhere books are sold.
Parent’s Tech Check
Which of your own screen habits might you consider unacceptable coming from your children?
You check your phone first thing in the morning- before anything else.
You check your phone right before going to bed.
You keep your phone within reach at night.
You leave your phone on the table during dinner and check it regularly.
You text while walking, biking, or crossing the street.
You have a loud, perhaps disruptive ringtone.
You use your phone while watching TV with your family.
You check your phone while driving.
You get distracted by your phone more than you would like when with your kids.
You use your phone in the bathroom.
If you answered YES to any of these questions — congratulations — you are human (phew)! Now consider which habit (or two, or three…) might be worth revisiting so you better model the habits you hope to see in your child.
Step 2: Make Micro Changes
What's one small change you can make that will have a big impact?
a. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR TECH
Making drastic changes to our habits or going cold turkey is an option---but making micro changes, or small cumulative changes over time, may be more feasible.
Reclaim time for what’s important to you by weeding out the disrupting “noise” in your digital life. Try a one-week “detox break” from a time-zapping app and share your observations with your kids.
The Center for Humane Technology is a great overall resource dedicated to realigning technology with our humanity. Check out their top hits of how to Take Control of your tech habits. Get details on how to:
Turn off notifications that rob our time
Download helpful tools to reduce distractions and stay focused
Remove toxic apps which drain us
Set boundaries around when/where we use our devices
And more!
Pick one and see how it affects your sense of well being and connection after two weeks.
b. NARRATE YOUR TECH USE
Polly Ely, a family therapist, says to “check in before you check out” — meaning it is good practice to “narrate” or explain your device use to your children when it interrupts your time with them. Our kids can’t distinguish between our various uses (work, entertainment, coordinating family logistics, etc) — it is all one black hole for them. They see us as absorbed in our phone or laptop. Here are some examples of parents narrating tech use:
“I’m looking up the recipe we are using for dinner.”
“I’m texting Sarah’s mom to coordinate the carpool to swim practice today.”
“I’m so wanting to hear what you’re saying – will you excuse me for 3-4 minutes while I deal with something from work? Then I’ll come back to continue where we left off.”
The same concept applies if you’re busy on your device and your child interrupts you and needs your attention. Taking a moment to explain what you’re doing and that you’ll be available in a few minutes is helpful for all involved (and much nicer than snapping at them, which we’re all guilty of from time to time!).
c. BE HERE NOW
Here are ideas from families to help parents be more present. Even one change can make a dramatic shift.
“When I walk out the door on the weekend, I consider whether I really need to bring my smartphone with me. I often leave it at home which allows me to be more present with my child, my partner or myself.”
“I bought an alarm clock for my bedroom and a wristwatch, so I’m not dependent on my smartphone for time management.”
“We have designated 5-7pm each day as dedicated device-free family time. Even if people are doing their own thing - it is not on screens. The amount of conversation has increased dramatically.”
Where to Next?
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Talk About Tech
Initiate key conversations about tech design and use.
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Engage Friends & Caregivers
Amplify your efforts!
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Getting a New Device
Contemplating an iPad or gaming console? Start here.