Giving a New Device
“Enjoy screens, not too much, mostly with others.”
iPads, laptops, gaming consoles, oh my! Below is a suggested five step process for rolling out a new digital device to your child.
Five Essential Steps
1. Consider the impact of a new device.
2. Ask: Am I ready for the additional parenting commitment?
3. Assess: Is my child ready?
4. Set up and onboard a new device (or delay).
5. Regularly check in on screen time habits.
If you have a school device, start here!
STEP 1: Consider the Impact
Sit down with your co-parent or other caregivers to talk through these readiness queries. The goal is to navigate differences in opinions and get on the same page.
Why does my child want this digital device (iPad, laptop, etc)? Can those wants/needs be met in other creative ways?
Why do I want or need my child to have this digital device? Is now the right time?
Have I thought through the potential impacts of getting this digital device? E.g., what may be the upsides and downsides for my child? And for me as a parent?
What could this digital device unintentionally replace (e.g., reading, hobbies, alone time)? Are there activities I want to safeguard for my child?
Step 2: Is PARENT Ready?
Are you ready for the parenting time commitment that comes with managing and mentoring screen time?
Are you familiar with persuasive design which makes tech sticky? Do you model good screen habits?
Our favorite questions come from clinical psychologist, Dr. Demi Rhine:
Are you clear on your rules and limits? Are there any apps that are off-limits? Can they have a social media account? Where will their [digital device] be kept at night, and at what time will it be unavailable to use?
How will you be sure your child’s screen time is kept in balance with other life activities? Will you be setting a time limit or scheduling specific screen times? What will happen if digital device use interferes with their schoolwork getting done?
Are you clear on family screen-free times? Can they use digital device during family outings, car rides, when friends come over?
How will you know whether your child is following the rules? How will you know whether your child is using apps that are off-limits? How will you know if they are messaging and posting in ways that could harm them or other kids? Is your child clear on how you will be monitoring their activity?
What are the logistics of getting and maintaining this digital device? Who will buy the device? What happens if the device is lost or damaged? Are in-app purchases or microtransactions allowed? If so, who pays? Who pays for new apps?
Step 3: Is CHILD Ready?
Is now the best time to give your child a digital device that takes great responsibility and maturity to use well? Again, we’ve adapted questions from clinical psychologist, Dr. Demi Rhine:
Is your child self-aware? Can they recognize when screen time is negatively affecting them? Can they take a break or get off if they are getting harmed emotionally or physically by their time online?
Can your child self-regulate? Do they log off screen time without a battle? Are they balancing their online lives with their offline lives? Do they understand why it’s important to unplug?
Does your child understand how the online world works? Do they know that much of what they see on the internet isn’t true? Can they determine what people or information seem dubious? Can they navigate tricky situations?
Will your child follow the rules you lay out? Will they respect limits in terms of what apps they can access, when & where to dock their digital device at night, etc? Are they clear how you will be monitoring their online activities (at least at first)?
Does your child know how to keep themselves and others safe online? Think cyberbullying, predators, personal information, etc.
Can your child stick to a well-rounded routine? Will they keep screen time from affecting a healthy routine of sleep, meals, getting homework done, maintaining offline activities, etc.?
Other considerations about social decision-making from Dr. Heitner, author and media expert, include: “Is your child impulsive? Quick to feel angry or excluded? Good at apologizing if she has made someone feel bad? How good is he at not using tech as a distraction from other activities he needs to focus on? If your child has not yet had the opportunity to demonstrate some of these life and social skills, you may want to hold off on a personal device.”
And we also love this teen readiness self-evaluation from Better Screen Time.
Did your child get a school iPad?
If your child comes home with a school device (e.g., an iPad), you skip the queries and have a new device to manage, ready or not. Start at Step 4 and treat the school device as you would any other device that you bring into your home. The major difference with school-issued devices is that they are owned by the school district, typically come with additional filters (which the school monitors for inappropriate content), and are loaded with specific products installed for school purposes. Print our 2-pager on managing school iPads for more support!
Step 4: If BOTH Parent and Child Are Ready for a New Digital Device:
Now it’s time for the onboarding process!
Expect a bumpy, iterative learning process for everyone. Get mentally prepared for lots of mentoring, ongoing negotiations, testing of rules/limits, and nudging of boundaries. Expect your child to break your rules or work around your set limits - that’s developmentally appropriate behavior so don’t get emotional when it happens; rather, have your game plan for how you’ll respond to teach them that’s not ok. The addition of your child’s digital device to your family infrastructure will expose unintended consequences you potentially didn’t foresee – that’s part of the journey!
Set rules and clear limits for device use. Set aside time to walk through your expectations for when it’s appropriate vs. inappropriate to use their device.
Use our guide on mentoring conversations to continue the hard work of parenting this digital part of your child’s life. Especially clarify how to maintain safety, privacy, and balance, and what types of communication are best suited to in person vs. video call (e.g., Zoom) vs text messaging. Let’s Talk About Texting is a great guide on that specific topic. Clarify to your child that you will be spot-checking their device to find teachable moments; the device is not private and you will be parenting it just like other parts of their life.
Depending on the digital device you’re getting, check out our associated guides for optimizing settings and parental controls. You can enable or disable so much, so take advantage of built-in features that simplify your parenting job:
a. iOS settings (iPad, iPod Touch, Mac)
b. Microsoft Windows PC settingsc. Gaming console settings: Xbox, PS4, Nintendo Switch
Will you allow video streaming? If so, see the streaming settings to optimize
Will you allow Internet surfing? If so, see the Internet settings to optimize: Safari, Chrome, Google Search Engine
Will you allow YouTube access? If so, see the YouTube settings to optimize (or YouTube Kids settings)
Will you allow social media access? If so, find social media settings to optimize: Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram
Step 5: Regularly Check In On Their Screen Time Habits:
Some questions for check-ins with your child:
How is it going -- Any issues to address or good habits to praise? Other priorities or activities that screen time may be replacing? Any rules/limits to adjust?
Review usage -- Ask them for a tour of their device or of specific apps they use. Check in on their screen time data and/or their texts/posts and consider wins/losses and next steps. Show them how to review ‘ScreenTime’ (for iOS); use it as a tool to promote self-awareness, optimize tech habits, and align use with family rules and values. Remind them you’ll be occasionally checking their use to help make sure they’re safe and balanced.
Encourage reflection -- Are there some device uses that feel more worthwhile or fulfilling than others? How does your child feel after excess screen time, getting sidetracked, or when their digital device causes too many disruptions to their day? Are there little changes we could make to limit distractions (e.g., turn off notifications)? Remind your child of their basic needs that must not be displaced by screen time - e.g., getting a good night’s sleep, getting school work done, giving their attention to family and friends in person, being outdoors, being physically active.
Keep an open line of communication – Remind your child that you’re always there to talk if something comes up during their screen time. When issues come up, try asking questions from an inquisitive rather than combative standpoint. Optimizing device use is an ongoing learning process for all of us. Expect learning pains and ongoing parenting/mentoring conversations.
One parent shares an epiphany: “I’ve just realized an iPad is A GIANT PHONE!!”
SOS! Backpedaling When Screens Feel Like Your Nemesis!
First, a pep talk: the good news is that you have to introduce digital devices and screen time to your child at some point before they leave the nest, so you are on your way which can be a good thing!
As the parent, it’s your right and responsibility to set clear limits and expectations for screen time, so if you don’t like the way things feel, or the digital device is negatively impacting other parts of family life, remember that you are the boss and get to call the shots. Be empowered by that!
Start with: “We’re seeing you’re struggling with [issue], so our job as parents is to help you navigate this online world and have a healthy relationship with your [digital device].”
Maybe it’s a good time to pause and revisit the limits you’ve set, mentoring needs, and/or ways to optimize parental controls.